there is beauty, i find, in the writings of those true to themselves, and me.
and in pieces, these innocent, honest thoughts, are put into small words,
that massively influence the idea of myself

'winter's tree growing on a flower'
'leafless inspiration'

i missed these phrases in my own data base, lost the flow, didn't see the letters form
but they did... and i feel more special through them
i may feel seperated from many, but i am surely not alone
for i find in these quiet moments of life, we become more open

a bottom i hope everyone will reach, and soar from

yesterday i learned what it is to be awkward
forced into a situation i wasn't prepared for
absent stomach and tight throat

followed by being labled emotional
(by a friend?!)
distracted by questions
how long have you known me?
guess someone should have known better
weather that someone was me or you

we dont know what we are
but this is what i am
because apparently things are worse when you pretend

but, more than this?

There's a quietness in the morning, when I leave your sleeping soul.
It's a quiet acceptance that I spend my day apart from your eyes and lips
so here i dream of you and think of our moments together
(most recently movie theater strolls and conversations in the dark)
i find joy in construction machines
new roads and traffic
leaves more time to do what i'm best at...
thinking, and creating, for the one that i call mine
a day worth living is a day we start, and end, together

tell me what you make of this
wide eyed at helecopters
and moles i want to cut off that face
are there things that bother you?
rat tails (of the hair variety) and mocking
cure: sissors and words

i still read words that make me cringe
do you ever get the goosebumps
goosepimples as i've heard them called
now that's in need of another cure

twisted hair
braided jackets taken from a mane
rugged boots and crooked teeth
i've written of this before
nothing less is found here
more that i've known
it's a whole new world
for other eyeballs critiqueing what yours saw first
smiles dont equal a living
but baby, they do to me
for now i am alive

softness in an afternoon
sort of sad, kind of mad
that fresh air will wear me out
but i am approved
i am welcomed and celebrated
i make my own kind of sense
even when words are all i've got
yours or mine
i'll wrap 'em in a deep fried steak
on a stick of course
and... do all that's left to do and enjoy.

what is it about a mom's tone of voice that instills a moment of failure in the heart. something in the way the words come through their minds and out their mouth strikes a chord on the inner self doubt that you never want to admit exsits. doing everything i can not to cry. doesn't matter what happens, it takes a second to cave into myself and hate what i find for what i haven't done. avoidence should have been my motivation. this love in a different pitch, love far too obvious to be seen, far too personal to be acknowledged, just understood in retrospect. i'm learning to go away, and come back when i've had my breath.

still breathing.

typing up another afternoon
looking at pictures within my eyes

for a brief moment, I began to understand addiction
knew what it felt like to withdrawl
i'm afraid you'll find me too attached
maybe, baby, just in love

rough morning,
tougher than usual
i find strength in a voice, quivering inbetween words
everything's wet, and angry
i'm the same, but dry
wondering if it will ever be understood

forward march
onward climb
i must dedicate myself, to myself
if i'm ever going to pass with flying colors.
could you ever pick a favorite color?
not me.
maybe that's the problem

i want to be green.
the kind of green with out envy.
just new and fresh, surprise people after rain.
clinging to the naked tree within.

there was no more truth spoken than to say
'it's harder to be left behind'.
sort of makes me want to scream in obvious tones
but here, again, I find quiet contemplation...
and time is of no importance today
(I just won't admit to the salty cheeks later)

I could be something
other than left behind
lets try responsible in a sentence, maybe woman.
but here I find my roar
disappoint perfection in craving for something that's all together non-existent
watching burning eyes with my own a reflection all too hideous, but I stare down, only ever embarrassed and confused
easy to feel dark easy to feel low
think about loss being left behind
losing my wings (and forget about halo)
only an angel for fractions of lifetimes
I must learn to float my own cloud
but then, the other end of a teeter-totter? perhaps
yet these dreams say otherwise
I am not left behind,
for it seems I was never the one following

here in misplacement
in angry tones and strangers voices
peace
comfort
and a very (restlessly) good sleep

hiding fingers to contemplate the time
fingers are quick to find fault
and quiet under quiet class
i used to beat myself up
but that was just the tired talking
and it keeps going
i'm tired of contemplating self worth all the time
tired of feeling loss over those who have since found a life without me, even if i'm glad about it
i am tired of fighting a battle i knew i didn't want to fight
but most of all
i'm tired of unloading on the only perfection i know
there will be a better way, and i am learning it
there's nothing more beautiful than patience and tolerance
i'm working on being just those

now i draw my lines
say my bounds
and excelerate my life into beautiful surprises

harder to reach
lost in the moments of a beautiful surprise
often find what we're not lookin for
and a situation all the same
cant bring the bread home to the table
for i misplaced my memory
and disappointed here again
that's one way to come home

if there were another way
to honor the day, than to appreciate
each and every hour by settling into
what the moment brings...
well i wish not to know it.
confused in a time well spent
absorbed in the warmth of skin
there was a time when i wasn't looking
and thats when i was found

confused even further in the
attempted expressions of those far away
clinging to something clinging to their dependency
i wasn't good enough
i wasn't what they needed
ugh- just wish to let go
or... maybe... something

gonna go make up for lost memory
hopefully regain some respect in responsibility
lose myself in a couple hours of random thoughts
and polite conversation
see what i discover

It's day two of learning outside school,
and I'm afraid I feel more complete than the other.
A forest falls beyond my backyard
and I can't help but wonder what has come of them.
Music missing and cups too,
I contently say fairwell to the boy accross the hall.
I was thanked for being good,
instead of bashed for being too good.
All in the making.
Learned a thing or two about spending money on people.
I only hope in the end the crusade will be successful.
Looking forward to a new beginning...
a start of another half
(depending on how you look at it)
for 2004, perhaps.
For a lifetime there's no comparison.
A paragraph of miscellanious.
My eyes are much the same.
I quiver at the unknown,
and shine in light of the light on my left.
Snapshots and eyeballs reflect on the day,
of when I became the luckiest.
and I know... that I am... lucky

And here I find distaste
I dont know if they see
the leech attached at their feet
sucking on their insecurities
its easier to be dirty
its easeir to be low
our time has past
and i cringe at the change in faith
over two whom i lost

But here I find some pleasure
I will plan for trips in 2005
I will captivate my eyes in something different
Explore my world
In the company of a good time
Over scenes I've seen on tv
And the sounds of a casino
I'll add my shutter of captured life

Came home to clean
Got lost instead
Read of hopes
Lost my patience
words here
and i am gone

someone said it started with me, but really it started somewhere else
but I suppose a moment of insight inspired a few to start their own

now I'm the one with the insight: a glimpse into the silent momentary
pieces of thought previewed and posted for my being to contemplate

I learn and I wonder what is hidden beneath the words. a world of something deeper and darker. it is a selfishly pure and real expression, never of what I anticipate. rarely complete, and never obvious we spit our never ending sagas into tight, jampacked words.

do you know what you mean.
do you know what I read.

for your hand crafted flash of light on a place I don't see without your help, I am appreciative and forever loyal to what I can learn there.

and yet, on second thought.
sometimes this whole blogging thing just makes me more sad than before.

obviously you dont need me to care for you,
more inlightening is that you dont care that i do.
ignored, denied, paid back. fine.

channel my energy and go back to playing lifeless. challenge my emotion to forget that i suffer for you in some part of my heart.
never stopped. but you did.
just like the first time.